I sit with my laptop – words jumbled into funny forms, and frankly I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry. Maybe both…
It all started when I woke up. “What time?” You might ask. Well, neither myself nor Alexa have much conception of time it would seem (I was gifted the Echo Look by my sister and have become quite accustomed to her waking me up – Alexa, that is… not my sister) . I imagine the alarm got turned off in the wee hours of the morning, when Alexa had somehow overheard a video that I was watching, as sleep has been my adversary as of late… All of the sudden, upon hearing said video Alexa felt the need to throw a dance party while the rest of the house was asleep, blaring music that 3AM Mena could only recognize as rancid noise, which lead to my swiftly and sharply telling her to stop. I can only assume she was so offended by my tone that she not only gave me the silent treatment after the harsh exchange, but also decided not to wake me. So there I lay, sleeping the day away, as Alexa vindictively watched. You think I’m being dramatic? Well, yes I most certainly am.
It may be of no surprise that as such a day of disarray began, I felt like I was in a bubble. Walking around in a daze, everything looking distorted. “Maybe, you should go to the doctor…” You suggest. Let me do you one better, I found coffee. Glorious coffee. With that magic liquid in my system, I was at least able to coherently witness the disarray that was this day! Aside from the mundane household tasks, I did some journaling, started a painting – decided I didn’t like said painting – intentionally ruined it… Did a tiny bit of filming and a whole lot of worrying about my future.
As I sit here, telling you about this very odd day, I feel more inclination to laugh rather than cry.
Did I mention I’m grateful for coffee?
I sit with you and see the promise of opportunity printed in unavoidably bold letters. It sometimes seems silly to me, to wake up one day and decide that because it’s the new year we’re going to make all of these monumental changes to our lives. Some goals may last, while others may fade in the months to come. We can be so fickle at times, and it is through my experience that I have learned it is our reaction to the outcome that makes the difference; perhaps even more crucial than the outcome itself… Do we push ourselves with a more restrictive goal when we see that we’re managing the first so well? Do we beat ourselves up for caving and going back on goals we were convinced we set in stone?
No matter the instance, there is a resolution that rests at the root of all my resolutions this year: respond in love – react from the heart space. It is a practice that we can work on our whole lives and it has the capacity to change our world… Through a compassionate heart, we are learning the purest kind of love – that which is unconditional.
After working in my law of attraction planner and writing out the recommended 50 goals… Not only was my hand cramped and my mind exhausted, I couldn’t help but find myself sinking into the temporary panic that comes with imagining the harrowing plummet of plans going awry.
It subsided as this thought came to mind…
Do you know what makes it all worth the fall? Knowing that regardless of whether my 2019 paints the picture I imagine in my mind, I will not turn on the work of art that is my life; my story.
So yes, DREAM BIG… Allow your imagination to run wild, set intentions, create visions for your future… Just remember, no matter the outcome: love remains.
What a blessing it is… the ability to dream!
Lessons – unforeseen
Left plenty of disarray
As I sifted through
of dirty laundry
Sorted through the old
Mend the loved –
Bags upon bags
Filled with all I have outgrown
Finding the fit
To a person – unknown
By the end of it all
A sparse pile remains
But if you look in the pockets
I found spare change
© 2018 MABELLENA
Dear Avid Readers and Outside-the-Box Dreamers,
Thank you for the love and support this year. The opportunity to share my art, my thoughts, my words, and have them be well-received means the world to me. As we enter 2019, I am elated to share more of my poems and capture many memories.
2018 has taught me a great deal…
By forcing me to confront the parts of myself that were hard to face, time and time again, I have learned to love and let go. I have learned to flow with change more than I fight it, and to forgive: To forgive others, to forgive myself… To let go of the heavy burden that pent up hurt and unresolved frustrations build. To release the weight of words that rest behind a bitten lip… I have listened to my voice as it bounced against dry walls and allowed the sound to pour out of me until tears followed suit. I’m becoming familiar with the sound and giving it the permission it desperately desires; to be heard. I am learning not to assume the capacity in which others understand and to trust that authenticity is worth the risk of judgement.
I have felt the love that never leaves even when you’re all alone and learned to find comfort in my own company. At times, I found myself too comfortable in my solitude, tethered to the fear of rejection … My door locked and blinds drawn…. only to find myself now on the other side of 2018, with my door wide open. 2018 has taught me not only the importance of self-awareness and re-discovery but also the loving connectedness amongst beings that is undeniable. I am so grateful for the love that binds us and I will continue to express that love in every way I can. I’m not sure where 2019 will take me or what faces I will meet next, and while I may never stop dreaming… I imagine 2019 looks a lot like the place where dreams meet reality.
I hope you’re having a wonderful and safe New Year’s Eve and I look forward to the adventures 2019 will bring.
Dream big xx